June Gay Pride Month: Jerry Carlton Of Hancock Was Role Model For Gay Rights, Impacted My Teenage Years

As the nation participates in and observes Gay Pride Month it is important to look back and consider how we landed at a time when gay rights have made such strong and positive gains in society. During my high school years in the 1970s, no one could have ever considered bringing a same-sex partner to the Junior Prom.  In fact, homophobia was so embedded that the hyper-male farm boys thought a guy wearing a necklace, or a thin chained bracelet was “so gay’. I never was able to understand why those same teenagers in literature class would say out loud that Shakespeare was ‘gay’. When I now see teenage males in Madison wearing light pink running shorts or learn of how inclusive classmates are with their gay friends it not only makes me proud of how much progress has been made in society, but it also makes me think about those people who made their small steps decades ago that have allowed so many to take bigger steps today. 

Jerry Carlton was one of those courageous gay men who lived a life most worthy of comment.  A life that impacted mine when I was a teenager growing up in Hancock, a rural and very conservative town in Waushara County. He comes to mind following a front-page article in the Sunday edition of the Wisconsin State Journal.

On June 6, 2014, U.S. District Judge Barbara Crabb struck down Wisconsin’s gay marriage ban as unconstitutional, prompting more than 60 same-sex couples to get married that evening at the City-County Building in Downtown Madison. Before Crabb put her ruling on hold a week later, 215 same-sex couples were wed in Dane County and more than 600 sought marriage licenses statewide. Gay marriage was reinstated in the state that October, and a 2015 Supreme Court ruling made it legal in all states.

The issue is especially relevant in Dane County, which had 3,138 same-sex couples in the 2020 census, the highest share among households in the state and in the top 4% among counties nationwide, according to the Williams Institute at the University of California-Los Angeles. Wisconsin had 17,651 same-sex couples in 2022, according to the U.S. Census Bureau’s American Community Survey, its share among households ranking 42nd among states. Nearly 56% of those couples are married.

Gay men and women would not be living openly today without the examples of people like Carlton who showed us how it could be achieved. Though I rarely talked with the man, and then mostly in later years when I had some reason to head to the village office, I still know Jerry Carlton as someone who made a difference to me when I was trying to see how my life as a gay person might be fashioned so to live happily.

Jerry graduated from Tri-County High School and The Art Institute of Chicago. He co-owned for over 40 years one of the most interesting businesses in Hancock, Brenton’s Antiques.  He connected to the larger community with his intellect and skills while serving as clerk and treasurer for the Village of Hancock, which he did for 22 years. (My Dad, Royce Humphrey, who served on the Hancock Town Board for 40 years, often conversed with Jerry about local matters.) While all those were admirable parts of his resume what I thought to be of even greater importance in high school was his partnership with Michael Brenkus, which would last for 48 years until Carlton’s passing.  

When I think of people during my teenage years who mattered in ways I could never talk openly about, Jerry was at the top of my list.  As I write this morning on a rainy Monday, I am not sure he truly knew the full extent he mattered or the type of positive impact he made on others around him. He mattered far more than just being a local officeholder.

Growing up in that small town, when I was coming into my own, it was a huge relief to have someone in the community who, whether he was aware of it or not, served as a real role model merely by living authentically.  I so desperately needed to see that it was possible to be true to oneself and find happiness in life as a gay man.

Jerry helped me to understand that being gay was nothing strange or unusual, nor was it a reason to keep me from achieving my goals in life.  I valued knowing despite the harsh stereotypes I had to battle in high school, there was so much more to life upon graduating.  One of my teachers, the one who taught literature that was so ridiculed by some of the others, wrote me a note that I have always kept. He told me to just “hang on” as so many better days were coming after graduation when I would leave the ones who tormented me far behind.

When a teenager there was only one television show, and sadly so, that had a gay character.  It was the ABC comedy, Soap.  The writers had made him a caricature that fit the then bandwidth for what Middle America could ‘handle’ at the time.  I knew as a teenager that such limitations and connotations by others simply would not be acceptable or compatible with the adult life I wished to live. I guess some of my strong advocacy for change started when watching Billy Crystal play the role of Jodie Dallas.

So, it was Jerry who proved, right in my hometown, that living life authentically could be achieved. Yes, there were rights to fight for and social changes were needed, but I could see one clear example of a path forward. Let me be very clear when stating in rural Hancock in the 1970s that was no small thing for a teenager who needed assurance about the future.

Over the decades my life has presented many incredible experiences, but meeting James, the love of my life was the best of all.  Our society has morphed and modernized with gay rights since my teenage years, and as a result that has benefited all of society. Living openly as a gay couple in Madison is seen as most ordinary. In fact, our being gay is by far the least interesting thing about us. That is incredibly important to write and know after what I saw, felt, and experienced growing up.

James and I have said over the years with our common day-to-day lives as a couple, if we impact a young person to understand themselves and their place in the world, we have done a good deed.  I know such an outcome would be the best way to pay honor to Jerry Carlton, and in so doing help move society forward.

A Pride flag flies in the wind at the Wisconsin State Capitol in Madison, Wisconsin

“I Don’t Agree With Your (Gay) Lifestyle”

Every now and then I suspect we all are part of a conversation when a line is dropped that stuns us so that we do not know how to react. The sentence is offered without forecasting that an outrageous comment will follow. Once we hear it there is a split second of thinking we surely misheard the words. In another split second, we know that since we are even thinking about the possibility of mishearing the words it only confirms with certainty that we did, in fact, hear them.

I was recently in an otherwise polite back-and-forth conversation when the train left the tracks with the entire passenger car hurled off the wooden trestle like in a Hollywood film. After stating I was kind, smart, and always helped people when a need arose, but without alerting me that the rail tracks ahead were washed out, I was told, “But I don’t agree with your lifestyle”.  I wanted to find a calendar and determine that it was still the 21^st century and that the room where I sat had not slipped through a wormhole or time portal in space. 

Absolute bigotry has to be called out and ended.

I have heard those uneducated words directed at me before about my ‘lifestyle’, but it has been many years.  I was in line at a small buffet with a woman whose birthday we were observing with a special party in her honor. There is no better way to say thanks for attending and dropping off a card and money than to state while standing over the veggie and dip platter that “I don’t agree with your lifestyle”. My first thought was having heard no news of her Tourette’s syndrome. What amused me as I took tomatoes and celery sticks and added them to my plate was how people had for decades gossiped and laughed (quietly, of course) about the rumor of her husband impregnating his sister-in-law. But that was a lifestyle choice that apparently was worthy of acceptance. When her husband died people wondered if the funeral would resemble that of Francios Mitterrand who made international news when both his wife and mistress were in line alongside the coffin. The photo in The New York Times remains priceless.  (Oh, yes my check in the birthday card was cashed.)

One of the teenage boys receiving services when I worked as a program director in a Madison mentorship non-profit was gay. The goal was to match him with an adult mentor who would be a positive role model to steer him away from the law-breaking that had caught him in the legal process. I recall having read some of the reports about how he was upset concerning his sexuality and having a hard time accepting it. The rash actions of breaking and entering were symptoms of the larger problem of coming to terms with himself. The mentorship program was designed to provide sage advice and a good listening ear for the tough time he was experiencing.  Clearly, the teenager had not chosen a sexual ‘lifestyle’.  He was born gay and likely would have been fine with that fact were it not for harmful peer pressures and societal bigotry.

When I heard the offensive line recently that “I don’t agree with your lifestyle” my mind flashed to that teenager sitting on a sofa in the part of our office area for such conversations. I had taken the job helping in the mentorship program as I knew what the absence of one person listening and understanding felt like when I was in those upside-down teenage years. I had vowed when I landed on the other side of my personal storm (the winds died down in my year at broadcasting school and the sun broke through in Door County when at WDOR) that I would find a way to lend a hand and help teenagers in those awkward times.  Shortly after leaving my statehouse job in 1994, another door opened for me where I could put my empathy to work for youth needing help.

If I was not so blasted Midwestern, I would have made it clear to the person recently offering their personal view of my “lifestyle” that one does not select a sexual choice.  Asking someone when they decided to be straight is as ridiculous as asking a person when they decided to be gay. Would I have chosen to have farm boys with no future for their lives beyond the acres their dad owned to bully and pummel me over the years I went to school? No. Would I have chosen to have my best friend commit suicide shortly after high school graduation because he was gay and bullied, too? No. But I am glad to be a gay man. I am a stronger, wiser, and more determined man for having walked my path. I like who I am and never once, not even in high school, had a problem accepting myself.  It was all the rubes, bigots, and truly under-educated cretins I had to confront in life that were the trouble.

It goes without saying that my sexuality or that of any other gay person, is not up for review by anyone so there is not anything to agree or disagree with in the first place. Sexuality is part of a person’s identity. It is not logical or factual to say that sexuality is a choice.  As I have stated numerous times on Caffeinated Politics concerning a bevy of issues, education, or the lack of it, is central to how a person views any topic.  Stating that being gay is a ‘lifestyle’ truly underscores a dearth of book learning.

Letter From Home: 5/24/24 “12,614,400 Minutes Together, James Wilson And Gregory Humphrey 24th Anniversary”

James figured out how many minutes we have spent together as we celebrate our 24th anniversary today. In a note on our shared online calendar of daily events, he wrote, “24 years together–this means we have spent most of the last 12,614,400 minutes together, and I wouldn’t trade that for anything in the world.  Happy anniversary, my Skinny Little Fat Man!  (I weighed 132 pounds when we met in 2000 and crashed the scale now at 173 pounds! He lived in France while attending Middlebury College and I have benefited greatly from the culinary skills he learned during those travels.)

It was while sitting at a table at Borders Books on University Avenue with a mug of coffee and some newspapers and on that particular day a book about Montana (I was planning a Yellowstone trip) that a good-looking guy with a cinnamon roll in hand asked me if there was anything good in the news? James and I nodded and smiled at each other countless times as Borders was a daily stop for me. Some people are comfortable in a bar (I am not), but I felt so comfortable at that bookstore and the coffee shop. James was on a break as a bookseller, but in minutes I had asked what he was doing that evening. With plans set for 8 PM, he returned to work, and I took on a mission to find the perfect pants and color combination in my clothes closet.

As we celebrate today, it is also a good time to remember how far society has evolved from his years growing up in rural conservative Maine and rural conservative Wisconsin where I did the same. We both knew about being bullied and coming to terms with being gay. We both had parents who set good foundations about relationships with the high and low moments being a part of the process. We both wanted a solid relationship as adults, but in our youth, we saw the social hurdles that had to be cleared so we could think about living an openly anthemic life with a partner.

One of the points that was pressed nationally by gay organizations, over and over again, was for gay people to put a human face to the issue. That would propel change faster than anything else.  The social forces would have to force the legislative process to act. That meant coming out to your family and taking your partner home for a holiday or a summer outing.  Thanksgiving was the first time James came home to Hancock with me and the parents were extraordinarily kind.  Mom had our family table arranged wonderfully.  When it was time for the meal Dad took James’s arm and led him to a chair, one that was alongside his own.  A classy statement from a man who was never a shouter and could be understated in conversations. Mom and James would become friends and find so much to laugh about over the years.

The first time I took James to a Humphrey family reunion a cousin pulled me aside and asked how the reaction was to my coming out to the whole family.  I said there was clearly some bigotry in the mix of people, but then added, ‘Look at their lives and tell me they should be running mine’.  The next year, he was at the reunion again, but this time with his boyfriend, a relationship that has spanned decades, too. One face at a time has positively changed this nation. 

My first visit to Maine in 2001 found James’ Mom, Marion, loading my plate with food when I was not looking as she was not having me leave after ten days at her home without gaining weight.  His dad, Robert, taught me to drive an ATV and the result was the dirtiest face I ever had…with the biggest smile I had worn in years. Taking the slide downwards into their indoor pool was something I had not done before in my 39 years. So many doors had opened following James talking to me with his cinnamon roll in hand.  I had waited so long to fall in love with my perfect match. Of course it would happen in a bookstore that served coffee! (How dare anyone speak disdainfully about ‘my lifestyle’.)

James was 27 when we met, and both of us had lived interesting lives with experiences that we have never stopped talking about over the decades. Neither of us had even entertained the idea of settling for someone right out of high school and just after leaving home upon graduation. We discovered what made us tick as individuals and we thought about what we wanted for a life partner.  I desired an intelligent and well-rounded person (someone who could come up with an answer for an 8-letter crossword clue) and someone who wanted a strong committed relationship. I humbly write that James got the same in return. (But I do crosswords in pencil!)

As we celebrate 24 years together, we can say with certainty there has never been a day of loneliness.  There has never been a day where laughter has not been heard in our home, countless times. We are best friends in a relationship that has lasted longer than many starter marriages. And by a factor of three!   

James and I have spent the bulk of our 24 years together. First, we lived in an apartment and shared most of each day when living on the West side of the city, the keys for which we picked up two years to the day of our first date. When we moved to our Victorian on the isthmus in 2007, James was still a college professor for two classes. After leaving that job and starting his guardianship business for people with Alzheimer’s we spend every day together.  We laugh, share life, and love what has played out in our lives. 

12,614,400 minutes.  And counting.  That is what I call being rich. And in love.

Love you, James.