Letter From Home: 5/24/24 “12,614,400 Minutes Together, James Wilson And Gregory Humphrey 24th Anniversary”

James figured out how many minutes we have spent together as we celebrate our 24th anniversary today. In a note on our shared online calendar of daily events, he wrote, “24 years together–this means we have spent most of the last 12,614,400 minutes together, and I wouldn’t trade that for anything in the world.  Happy anniversary, my Skinny Little Fat Man!  (I weighed 132 pounds when we met in 2000 and crashed the scale now at 173 pounds! He lived in France while attending Middlebury College and I have benefited greatly from the culinary skills he learned during those travels.)

It was while sitting at a table at Borders Books on University Avenue with a mug of coffee and some newspapers and on that particular day a book about Montana (I was planning a Yellowstone trip) that a good-looking guy with a cinnamon roll in hand asked me if there was anything good in the news? James and I nodded and smiled at each other countless times as Borders was a daily stop for me. Some people are comfortable in a bar (I am not), but I felt so comfortable at that bookstore and the coffee shop. James was on a break as a bookseller, but in minutes I had asked what he was doing that evening. With plans set for 8 PM, he returned to work, and I took on a mission to find the perfect pants and color combination in my clothes closet.

As we celebrate today, it is also a good time to remember how far society has evolved from his years growing up in rural conservative Maine and rural conservative Wisconsin where I did the same. We both knew about being bullied and coming to terms with being gay. We both had parents who set good foundations about relationships with the high and low moments being a part of the process. We both wanted a solid relationship as adults, but in our youth, we saw the social hurdles that had to be cleared so we could think about living an openly anthemic life with a partner.

One of the points that was pressed nationally by gay organizations, over and over again, was for gay people to put a human face to the issue. That would propel change faster than anything else.  The social forces would have to force the legislative process to act. That meant coming out to your family and taking your partner home for a holiday or a summer outing.  Thanksgiving was the first time James came home to Hancock with me and the parents were extraordinarily kind.  Mom had our family table arranged wonderfully.  When it was time for the meal Dad took James’s arm and led him to a chair, one that was alongside his own.  A classy statement from a man who was never a shouter and could be understated in conversations. Mom and James would become friends and find so much to laugh about over the years.

The first time I took James to a Humphrey family reunion a cousin pulled me aside and asked how the reaction was to my coming out to the whole family.  I said there was clearly some bigotry in the mix of people, but then added, ‘Look at their lives and tell me they should be running mine’.  The next year, he was at the reunion again, but this time with his boyfriend, a relationship that has spanned decades, too. One face at a time has positively changed this nation. 

My first visit to Maine in 2001 found James’ Mom, Marion, loading my plate with food when I was not looking as she was not having me leave after ten days at her home without gaining weight.  His dad, Robert, taught me to drive an ATV and the result was the dirtiest face I ever had…with the biggest smile I had worn in years. Taking the slide downwards into their indoor pool was something I had not done before in my 39 years. So many doors had opened following James talking to me with his cinnamon roll in hand.  I had waited so long to fall in love with my perfect match. Of course it would happen in a bookstore that served coffee! (How dare anyone speak disdainfully about ‘my lifestyle’.)

James was 27 when we met, and both of us had lived interesting lives with experiences that we have never stopped talking about over the decades. Neither of us had even entertained the idea of settling for someone right out of high school and just after leaving home upon graduation. We discovered what made us tick as individuals and we thought about what we wanted for a life partner.  I desired an intelligent and well-rounded person (someone who could come up with an answer for an 8-letter crossword clue) and someone who wanted a strong committed relationship. I humbly write that James got the same in return. (But I do crosswords in pencil!)

As we celebrate 24 years together, we can say with certainty there has never been a day of loneliness.  There has never been a day where laughter has not been heard in our home, countless times. We are best friends in a relationship that has lasted longer than many starter marriages. And by a factor of three!   

James and I have spent the bulk of our 24 years together. First, we lived in an apartment and shared most of each day when living on the West side of the city, the keys for which we picked up two years to the day of our first date. When we moved to our Victorian on the isthmus in 2007, James was still a college professor for two classes. After leaving that job and starting his guardianship business for people with Alzheimer’s we spend every day together.  We laugh, share life, and love what has played out in our lives. 

12,614,400 minutes.  And counting.  That is what I call being rich. And in love.

Love you, James.