(UPI) Madison April 1, 2008 In a bid to help unite the fractious and argumentative Democratic Party from another failed attempt to gain entrance to the White House Madison, Wisconsin resident and Democratic mouthpiece Dekerivers has offered to be the Democratic Vice-President.
Little known outside the confines of Madison, at times known as the ‘Berkeley of the Midwest’, Dekerivers alerted both New York Senator Hillary Clinton and her Illinois nemesis Senator Barack Obama late on Monday night with the news that he would be available to donate his time and talent to the fall effort to retake the White House.
“I was really just going to call for pizza delivery, but then I thought since I am near the phone why not talk with Hillary and Barack too. They were truly surprised by the late night call but I said that this is what a 3:00 A.M. phone call sounds like,” Dekerivers said.
“I love to travel and talk and so I see this slot on the ticket as a surefire way to put two of the things I enjoy most to work for the nation I love so very much” Dekerivers said in a prepared statement to reporters that gathered for coffee this morning at his downtown home. “And with the high price of gasoline I think this is the only way I will see any part of the nation this year as the Democratic Party will pay for the trips.”
Dekerivers also told the assembled members of the Fourth Estate that he is a meek and mild man and would blend in with either of the candidates should they get the nomination.
“Look at me, read my blog, and you will notice I can take a back seat to anyone as I have no opinions of my own and never express any strong feelings about any topic, and so either Clinton or Obama can rest assured that I will be only using their talking points and never using any of my own,’ Dekerivers confided.
Other positive aspects the one-time Democratic staffer to the shortest man in the Wisconsin State Assembly would bring to the fall campaign is his love of chicken dinners and foreign travel. “I think I will gain a few pounds from the chicken circuit talking trips that all candidates must endure, but I must confess I love home style chicken dinners.”
“I also have plenty of funny and folksy warm-up jokes that I have heard for years on the Grand Ole Opry, so I think that even Kansas will now be ripe for my party to capture this fall. I will be a hit in the heartland. Who knows I might even croon a bit in a nursing home or two on the road. If the bid for office fails, who knows I might come out of this with a recording career, ” Dekerivers said.
Dekerivers also expressed a strong knowledge of foreign leaders and the backgrounds of the world hot spots as he pointed out he reads The Economist magazine. “Really any time there is a state funeral I will know how to pronounce the name of the deceased correctly in my prepared statements as Vice-President.” He added that is far more than the current President has been able to do while in office.
“I think the future of the nation hangs on my shoulders as I prepare for this possible position in our federal government, but it is the path I must prepare for,” Dekerivers said as reporters scrambled for the last donut on the platter.
Technorati Tags: Dekerivers, Madison, Vice-President
12 thoughts on “PRESS RELEASE: Dekerivers Offers To Be Democratic Vice-President”
Send me a bumber sticker!
bummer, if I had known you were going to run for a partisan office I wouldn’t have written you in for school board this a.m
Ha Ha… April Fools…??? or is it??
Deke Rivers?… hhmmm… where have I heard that before…. you ARE an ELVIS NUT!!
Well, I’ll be able to say “I knew you when”. Are you going to take James with you as your personal chef? Were the reporters really at your house? How did that come about?
After seeing Obama feeding the baby calf with no fear in his eyes, I question Deke Rivers ability to communicate with wild life. Fear and wonder are in his eyes like the newborn calf, but when “push comes to shove” on the bottle, would DekeRivers make the grade. Like Monk on TV, would a little drool offend? Enviromentally speaking, you gotta get your hands dirty if your to survive.
I will support your candidacy. Can I be your Campaign Coordinator? I promise to book you at the best chicken dinners and schedule photo ops at the best farms in the midwest. I think you’d make a great impression feeding calves but Barack would have made a better impression had his boots been covered with calf manure and he was kissing the calf.
Deke, create a widget for your sidebar and make it available to all us bloggers. I would certainly put it up on my blog!
I loved “‘Look at me, read my blog, and you will notice I can take a back seat to anyone as I have no opinions of my own and never express any strong feelings about any topic, and so either Clinton or Obama can rest assured that I will be only using their talking points and never using any of my own,’ Dekerivers confided.”
I laughed then I posted the link to a forum I’m part of. I think this article is worthy of The Onion. Happy April Fool’s Day!
April Fool is right.
You did it again!
That was some excellent writing…kept me laughing out here in Maine.
Keep it up,